B and I were headed upstate yesterday morning for an overnight family outing. We piled into our little Zipcar and hit the road at the bleary-eyed hour of 7:30 for the drive. Somewhere in Queens, however, my usually-silent little friend spoke up:
Dex: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP, buzz buzz buzz
Huh. The screen was completely blank. Had I sat on it and accidentally shut it off? I restarted, heard the familiar shrill initialization shriek, and kept on driving.
Dex: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP, buzz buzz buzz
Um. Okay, crankypants. Maybe I'm out of range or something? So I hit clear, and then stuck him between my back and the seat.
Dex:
Time to call in reinforcements. "B, can you please see what the hell Dex is screaming about?"
This should have been a happy ending, I know this, but I was completely stressed out. How was I going to do the next 8 hours of grazing without that receiver by my side? I wouldn't be able to re-up until Tuesday afternoon at the very earliest - that's days of missing data, and heaven knows how many unnecessary (and unaddressed) issues with basals or bolusing or any of the other million things that can go wrong in a day with diabetes. And all right smack-dab in the midst of my attempts to have the tightest numbers I've had since high school!
I felt stranded and a little exposed - like being in the middle of a dream and realizing you're not wearing any pants. And that upset me. How reliant have I become on this little piece of technology? I've only had it 7 months, and yet I started panicking the minute I had to face the idea of not having it. What does it mean for me that I depend so much on it? That I don't feel comfortable or at ease when I'm not "plugged in," that I find myself reaching for it when I'm sleeping or heading to the bathroom, checking to see where I am and to make sure Dex can see me?
As for the actual D, I did what anyone would do, of course. I tested a bit more and tried to keep well on top of everything. My BGs seem fine (those snapshots on my meter, naturally - who knows about the in-betweenies!) for the most part, and I'm really looking forward to being in the office tomorrow morning to start another sensor. In short, this too shall pass.
But I can't stop thinking about my reaction to Dex, Sr.'s death. I'm reliant enough on insulin, Synthroid, my pump, my glucose tabs, all of those things that HAVE to be taken. Do I really need to be dependent on the extracurriculars, too?