Part I is here.
Part II is here.
Part III is here.I forgot some stuff I wanted to add to the birth story, some random stuff. Here it is, in point form, sorta. - I purposely painted my nails blue, wore a blue housecoat, blue sweatpants, and blue slippers just because I was having a boy.
- I don't know if we're going to have more kids. I'm leaning towards possibly "no" because the last three weeks of my pregnancy was incredibly stressful being told every other day that I had such a high risk of stillbirth (i.e. my baby's going to die) or that we'd
deliver / not deliver RIGHT NOW. However, maybe there is a way to have a non-complicated last trimester? With Hailey, I had good diabetes control at the beginning that got progressively worse. With Jackson, I had very poor control that got progressively better. I've never had a good-to-good level of control in pregnancy; maybe that'll be the key?- I don't know who Jackson looks like.
- When I saw him for the first time, I thought he looked adorable, even though I couldn't fully see him, and I kissed his lips bunches and bunches. Also, I saw in photos that he was MUCH bluer than I remember.
- He was yellow ish, and had some levels of bilirubin, but was never bad enough to have to be under the lights. To this I say, "Sweeeeeeeet."
Those are the random things. This next bit are things I wrote while sort of emotional and crying in the middle of the night.Right before he was born, I held Adam's hand so tight, with excitement and nervousness, and hope, desperation that he be born alive. I remember after having Hailey that I wanted her back in my belly so i could feel her moving in me. Not just a baby moving, but HER. Despite knowing that I'd felt that way after her birth, I felt the same exact way after Jackson was born. Like, although I'd known him for 8 months inside me, i wanted him in again now that I'd seen his face. Like, I wanted to put two and two together: the feeling of him moving inside me, his kicks and punches and feeling his head on my right side, and finally seeing his face and actually meeting him. Despite knowing I'd felt this way before, I don't know how to connect the two: pregnancy and the actual baby. How is Hailey doing with the baby? Good. Much better than it could have been. I've seen her increasingly taking "care of" her babies, the dollies: cuddling, kissing, and burping. She burps everything now. My leg, my arm, whatever she can reach. Tonight I saw her rock her stuffed puppy. ::insert Awww:: She cries sometimes when he cries out of hunger, like shes saying "Mama, Jack is crying, help him!" I love her. And I love that she loves him. I swear she even says "Jack". It sorta sounds like, "Da" or maybe "Ja", but she obviously says it in relation to just the baby. He's already so big. Not just literally, at 10 lbs 4 oz at 3 weeks old, but he's BIG. I feel like the completely new-baby-size is nearly over. He almost feels too big for the bassinet. How is he almost a month old? Tomorrow will be 1 month soon he'll be 2 months, then 3, then 6, then 12. Oh my goodness, soon I'll have two teenagers, and then adults, and then they'll have kids of their own. Oh please let them stay little. My mind goes off like that sometimes, how desperately I wish them to stay exactly the same as they are at this moment. But they can't and they won't. I understand this. And so instead I am trying to enjoy and remember every single second of them this way. I was thinking today: I'm a mom, and I spend every day with them. Yet every day is and will be different because they are different. And even though I love them this exact way, I am excited to see them grow.
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