Ah...NO, I Am NOT Pregnant! Holiday Havoc... |
| Articles - Diabetes Articles | |||
| Tuesday, 14 December 2010 07:45 | |||
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I suck at Christmas. It is true. It is a fact. I don't try to pretend that I don't. It is known. If you are looking for a diabetes-related story, you won't find it here. You can, if you are totally in a "D" mood, go scope out my Blog Roll by clicking here or on my "BUDDIES" at the top of the right column. When taking a look, make sure you are on it and that I have placed you in the right category (D Mama BUDDIES, D Papa BUDDIES, PWD BUDDIES, or D Grand 'Rent BUDDIES) . I tried to "re-organize" the Blog Roll a few days ago and am afraid that some of you got lost in the mix. Please leave me a link to your blog if you'd like to be added. Thanks. Back to Christmas, me sucking at it, and me NOT being pregnant. I know, a fucked-up succession of stuff to talk about. I have always dreamed of a home, of a day when I had a home, a day when I lived in a home that could "sport" the "candle-look". You know the look where there is a candle "lit" in each window...the "this home is cozy and warm; this home has it's inhabitants nestled-in look". Our previous house had 3 windows facing the front; not enough real-estate to showcase the "candle-look" I was hoping to display as my "exterior illumination" creation for the holiday season. As many of you know, we moved into our new-to-us home in the Spring. This Colonial-styled home has 10, that is right T-E-N windows facing the front. This is my "exterior illumination" dream come true people. "Candle-look" here I come! Or came! A week or so ago. I shopped and shopped and shopped and then shopped some more to find the "right" candle to do the job. The candle had to be of the suction cup variety, as our home has little to no sills. The candle would be preferably battery operated. A long lasting bulb was a must...I am not running around changing bulbs every other day! AND one word here, perhaps the most important of all the characteristics I was searching for in my candle-hunt...the word was "TIMER". I found the candles at the best form of birth control I have experienced to-date. I found them at none other than Walmart. LED bulbed, battery operated, suction cupped, timed to the tune of 8 hours "on" and 16 hours "off" all listed in the details written on the packaging. Yes the "candle-look" will be realized by the Maher Home for Christmas 2010! But, it isn't enough. I decided to combine it with my past "exterior illumination" experiences for a "classy" look. In addition to the candles, I have an old fake pre-lit tree (from another good birth control place - Big Lots) placed by the entrance to our mudroom. A lit garland is donned by our front door. Twinkly white lights are sprinkled in our trees and shrubs. Our doors are adorned with Poinsettia Wreaths. And, of course, I have a spot light highlighting the front-door-garland extravaganza. I won't even go into the part where I strung the lights in hurricane force winds, but I did. Here is a photo of what happened in our backyard on the very day I decided to unleash my holiday spirit on our home's exterior It all sounds "picture perfect", doesn't it? Well, except for the hurricane forced winds and me wrestling the paralyzed boa constrictor-like garland trying to cram it into fucking place above my front door and the part where Dave complains that the candle bulbs aren't "yellow enough". So... Here is where my exterior illumination currently stands. Joe and Bridget ran over the spotlight this afternoon with an orange plastic toboggan sled. I have gone outside in single digit temperatures three times to "adjust" the flood bulb. It will work for 2 minutes and then...darkness. One strand of twinkly lights is already burnt out in the garland. The bottom portion of lights on the Big Lot's faux Christmas Tree hasn't worked from the beginning of this Merry Christmas "get-up" and one candle in Bridget's room isn't in "timing-sequence" with the other nine. *(BIG SIGH) with a little "for fuck's-sake muttered in frustration under my breath upon exhalation in the recesses of my consciousness* My heart is good, it is in the right place. I am just not a Martha Stewart. My wrapping, well my bows look like a limp angel hair pasta noodle tied with a tree frog's tongue. When decorating, my psyche (and sanity) can only handle one or two "holiday items" per room; I place, I ponder, I remove, I replace, I ponder, then I usually place the decoration back in my Sterilite Tub to wait for it's "day in the sun" perhaps the following year. My mother has gorgeous handwriting; her cursive is loopy, curvy, and smooth. It is written with a purposeful hand. My penmanship is partially print (lower and upper-case) mixed with some cursive; my gift tags are a mess. In gift giving, consumables from a local farm are ordered using the world-wide web. The gifts are shipped directly from the farm to the recipient. Essentially... I order; I enter names; I type in addresses; I pay; I am done. New paragraph...For the "I Am Not Pregnant" statement, story, and/or declaration.. Onto the cards...I have a friend, she is local, she shall remain name-less. Her cards are always, hands-down, the best. They are a photo card. The photo illustrating her heavily card stocked paper looks photographer-grade every year. The card's finish is matte. The envelope is weighty. I look forward to this card...EVERY.SINGLE.YEAR! I, on the other hand, stick with what I know. Walmart. The paper quality is poor, the finish is glossed, the text didn't turn out as I had hoped. I upload my photos to the Walmart site...you know the crappy ones that you take in your kitchen, the one's where the kids won't smile, they are in action, they may have some leftovers on their faces, and perhaps for good measure a hat or two may be donned...crookedly. Oh wait...enter the Maher 2010 "Quick and Dirty Card", assembled by yours truly. I just sent out like 80 of them. Front of Card Second Half Of My Text... (first half had personal info on it. You know me, I talk about feminine hygiene products, but apparently won't give out my address on the blog!) Did you pick it up? The part where apparently my husband is not only grateful for the growth of his business, but he is grateful for the growth of his wife! And I quote, in case you cannot view it in the photo above:
And, seriously...what is with the '(hehe...slipped that in)'? That just sounds wrong. So, NO I am not with child and if I have grown at all...maybe I have gained a pound or two in cookie weight thanks to some good friends in New Mexico! A day-in-the-life of Holiday Havoc.
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